Sometimes, I’m the difficult client.
Case in point: Just before I got very, very sick and had to host our Inner Child Virtual Retreat a week ago, I gave myself a TOTEM Tarot Reading (see above image). After I took my standard reference photo of my tarot spread for future reference, I remember looking at it and just not getting it. My reaction was something like, “Well, this doesn’t make any sense…” before gathering the cards back up and putting them back in their box.
You’d think that at this stage of the game I would defer to spirit and trust in the process- after all, I created this f*cking tarot deck and use it almost everyday with clients. But, alas, I’m just as willfully stubborn and close-minded and dismissive as anyone else from time to time…perhaps even more so.
Which got me thinking about the human aspect of reading tarot cards, and how we interface (both good and bad) with this spiritual technology. What is our role in this work? What do we need to keep in mind or keep an eye out for during and after a tarot reading? And how can we go deeper, into the metaphysical layers of the shamanic onion?
The spread
This particular reading (see image above) is a great example of how much smarter the tarot cards are than our little human brains with their rational, space/ time limitations. I remember looking at this particular “spread”- i.e. configuration of cards in the type of reading- and thinking, “these cards are totally contradicting each other”:
Present Situation: 2 of Metals and 8 of Trees. The 2 of Metals card is all about a quiet break in the action such that we can receive spiritual downloads. Think of those two bones in the card’s image as antenna, set up like bunny ears on an old school TV to receive television programming. Right on top of it is its almost composite opposite, the 8 of Trees. The 8 of Trees card is all about an unleashing of previously stagnant energies, rapid communication over great distances, and instantaneous progress. So, WTF TOTEM Tarot Cards? I’m going to take a break, there will be inaction, and yet there will be nothing but action and movement and communication? Hmmmm…
Near Future: Berserker and 4 of Metals. And things continued to get confusing. In the near future, I had the Berserker card, our TOTEM Tarot Deck version of the Chariot card featuring the image of Ursa Major in the night’s sky. This is a card of pure professional momentum, achievement, unstoppable progress and relative victory in a competitive business landscape. It’s direct influence? The 4 of Metals card, the ultimate do nothing card of the entire tarot deck. So, while being in bed and unable to perform or work, I will be leapfrogging in my progress with TOTEM, “winning” work and achieving great things. In what universe does this make sense? Surely, something went sideways in the shuffle, right?
Me and My Role in the Situation: Persephone. Our version of the Hermit card, our Persephone card is all about withdrawing from our overly-extroverted and codependent society to nourish our souls through rest and recuperation. This is the ultimate freelance writer/ consultant or small business owner card, indicating that the client will be able to nourish and provide for themselves while controlling the rhythm of their day. So, in the midst of this economic bloodbath (marked by mass layoffs and contraction and inflation and interest rates), I’m going to somehow thrive, more and more, as a small business owner. What’s more: the more I spend time alone, quietly, withdrawn and seemingly inactive, I will become increasingly successful. In what universe does any of that make sense?
Environment: Inari Okami. Inari Okami is our TOTEM Tarot Deck Moon card, and when found in the “environment” position it often takes on a literal meaning. If I pulled this card in this position for a client, I would advise them to pay very close attention to moon cycles- particularly any New or Full Moons on the horizon. Now, in this context, why would the Moon take on such a big role? Well, my dumb ass had not considered the upcoming New Moon in Aquarius, which was also the Lunar New Year and ushered in the Year of the Rabbit. As someone with their Moon in Aquarius in their natal chart, this should have been a flashing light/ pay attention sign moment…but it just wasn’t at the time.
Outcome: Coyote. Coyote is our version of the traditional Fool tarot card, bringing with it the magic of adventure…and an invitation to the spiritual scavenger hunt. In this particular position- i.e. the outcome of the reading- Coyote takes on a very specific meaning: that we are becoming more like our true selves, embracing our core identity at a soul level and will pursue, with increasing alacrity, the work of our soul’s purpose. This is the official spiritual adventure card, urging us to pursue intuition and impulse instead of rational, linear thinking. This outcome card was a major indicator that I was rapidly becoming more like my true self, and I should have known things weren’t exactly going to “make sense” on paper.
At first (and second and third) blush, this TOTEM Tarot Reading made no linear sense. So, in that moment, I became the stereotype of the difficult client: shrugging off the deep, useful insights from spirit and just going out to the living room to watch a little TV.
But in the days and week or so to follow, this TOTEM Tarot Reading started to make major sense, bringing a much-needed reminder that life- and, more specifically, tarot- doesn’t always make immediate linear sense in the context of our waking reality. And this is its value: tarot shows us things that we can’t see with our physical eyes or perceive with our rational minds that take us to a deeper place and more meaningful dialogue with spirit.
And it always takes on new and more substantive meaning as events unfold in life, giving us a blueprint to navigate this landscape with better, more complete data.
The meaning
Now, this tarot reading actually made sense in the context of a.) getting very sick and being unable to push while still b.) achieving things and making professional progress. Both of these seemingly contradictory phenomenon unfolded concurrently and in real-time over the last week or so since this tarot reading, adding some much-needed magic to my daily routine.
The 2 of Metals and 8 of Trees was the explosion of activity I experienced as a result of announcing a Lunar New Year sale on our Etsy store and my interview with Nicole Bigly of A Psychic’s Story podcast coming out. Truth time: I had completely forgotten we did that interview until I noticed dozens of emails rolling in throughout the morning! All of this action exploded in electronic communication (Etsy orders, new Instagram followers, emails and appointments being booked on Calendly) while I was inactive and recovering, effectively doing nothing except receiving this phenomenon.
The Berserker card- the movement and energetic “victory” of my professional aims- absolutely came in during a time of complete inaction as a result of Covid, the flu and more! What’s more: I got bear as a TOTEM Animal, and that’s not an accident. This 4 of Metals forced sickness sabbatical represented the signposts marking the moment of my sudden progress, a seeming contradiction until one sees the other variables unfold (podcast episode, incredible response to the Etsy sale, etc.).
Persephone had appeared as the energy I was embodying because my decades-long pursuit of disconnecting from corporate while surviving and thriving has finally, actually come online. I am able to manage the rhythm of my day, get sick, and still make money doing what I love and what I believe in. This may not seem miraculous to you, but trust me: it’s a f*cking miracle to me.
And Inari Okami was there to remind me of the power of this New Moon and Lunar Eclipse for me. As a Pig in the Chinese zodiac, I’ve had a rough couple of years. A quick little Google search into the Year of the Rabbit revealed that I, as a Pig, am in what’s called “three harmonies” with this year, bringing auspicious stuff and good luck. And the Lunar New Year catapulted my shamanic practice, with requests for one-on-one sessions exploding and more than 200 new orders being placed on our Etsy Shop.
What’s more: Coyote in the outcome position was a hint that I was moving closer and closer to integrating my soul’s purpose into the daily grind of my life. Each day since this reading I’ve felt like all the hard work and sacrifice- particularly during the last few years of Covid and more- is finally manifesting into something greater and more tangible in the here and now. This was the cosmic hint to not waiver or change course, but to go deeper and deeper into my true nature, embracing increasing levels of authenticity and vulnerability in every area of my life. Remember: the Fool is never foolish, and our Coyote card is always smiling.
The deeper layers
And, just when you think this is plenty for a TOTEM Tarot Reading, things got even deeper. And weirder. And less linear.
“Bear” with me a second.
As I mentioned in our recent Shamanic Deep Dive here on Substack, I was recently granted access to “bear medicine”- a coveted TOTEM Animal for any self-respecting shaman. As you can see further above- via the Berserker and 4 of Metals cards- this TOTEM came to me during a shamanic illness, something I hadn’t anticipated or understood when I first gazed at these cards.
But then things got weirder.
Bears were EVERYWHERE, and seemed to appear immediately alongside mentions of Demeter (aka Ceres in Roman mythology). Demeter is Persephone’s mother, and I instantly thought of pulling that card in this reading as well (see above for photo of our Berserker and Persephone cards).
The apex of the weird was watching the incredible television show The Bear with my husband. The show is about a real Italian Beef place we actually used to eat at in an old neighborhood where I first worked while in college. What’s more: the plot is about a James Beard-award winning chef that finds himself trying to save his family’s Italian Beef joint after his brother commits suicide. My husband is a scrutinizing chef that usually hates how his profession is depicted in pop culture, but he LOVES The Bear.
It’s legit. Check it out.
One of the particularly emotional episodes was called Ceres (aka Demeter), and the characters were talking about how a statue of her was placed on top of the Commodities Exchange on LaSalle Street in the Loop. It’s one of my favorite buildings, and I found myself overcome with nostalgia and grief for the city I LOVED for decades.
Chicago wasn’t just a cool place for me. As a child, I communed with its Genus Loci- i.e. Spirit of Place- demanding my parents drive me downtown to look at Buckingham Fountain at night. When I was four years old.
At seventeen, I moved out penniless to get back to the city, where I felt a friendly, intelligent spirit always guiding and protecting me.I would tell friends that I didn’t have real parents, but I kind of did in the form of the City of Chicago. I would go on silent, long walks and have conversations with the spirit there, feeling an irreplaceable sense of shamanic kinship and love.
One day, during Covid, the spirit left. I felt it. Then I had nightmares for months about no one having a soul anymore and the whole scene being turned into a corporate, all-inclusive cruise ship version of what used to be a real city with real people and real energy and, most importantly, a real Genus Loci.
I’ve never felt grief like this in my life, and I’ve had a hard life.
Chicago has been a palpable phantom limb for me, and I often reach for it realizing that, even if I was still there, IT wasn’t there anymore, anyways.
I swear: this isn’t an affectation. I’m not one of those people that supplanted a real personality with a city, as is so often the case with those that move to the big Metropoli of our country (and world). I loved Chicago for who it was, and I felt like I got to know it in the intimate, shamanic way that my spiritual practice made available to me.
And, crying and watching this episode stunned by the confluence of the Bear, Demeter and Persephone, I realized something deeper. This Bear “medicine” that came on the heels of this illness in this strange new place in Texas brought something else with it: the revelation that some small part of the Genus Loci of Chicago was within me.
And I remembered a line from, of all things, the Thor Ragnarok movie:
“Asgard isn’t a place. It’s a people.”
This was the deeper layer of the TOTEM Tarot Reading. This was the explanation for the strange confluence around bears and berserkers, Demeter and Persephone, and the massive shifts taking place in the world and within my own energy body.
And the healing that came from my new TOTEM Animal and our Inner Child workshop actually legitimately once-and-for-all disconnected me from the scarcity issues I inherited from my mother. In this tarot reading, I took on the archetypal role of Persephone, leaving for the Underworld to embrace a new life of spirits and pomegranates and self-reliance.
And it’s working.
There has been a long social and economic winter. In the Ancient Greek myths, the origin of winter was Demeter’s rage and grief at her daughter Persephone’s absence. As the goddess of agriculture and grains, Demeter withdrew life from the things that provide us life.
But it was just for a season.
I knew the swell of new abundance during this window was a sign that metaphorical spring was here, designed to encourage me to stay the course and enjoy the harvest that comes from hard, smart work and seeds well planned.
This reading was a primal spiritual scream for me to not give up on my dreams to provide for myself while nourishing others and teaching them, in turn, how to nourish themselves.
How to break these cycles of codependence and enmeshment and energetic bondage.
And now I’ve got a bear, so it’s like….who’s gonna check me, boo?
The ask…and the give
If- and only IF- you feel called to do so, I am asking all of you to please share your TOTEM Tarot Deck or TOTEM Tarot Reading stories. If you’ve purchased or been gifted the deck, please consider leaving a review on Amazon HERE. These reviews REALLY help us defeat the evil algorithm as a small, self-published joint.
Or you can always share your TOTEM Tarot Reading experience on Yelp HERE or on Google HERE to help get the word out about our work and how awesome something as simple as a tarot reading can be. Every time I get a cool, new client, it’s because they read a review from another really cool client that resonated with them, perhaps humanizing the tarot reading experience and putting into tangible, pragmatic, human-scaled terms.
And there’s an upside here. I’m going to do another Review Raffle now until March 1st, at which point everyone’s name will be put into a hat and one lucky winner winner chicken dinner shall be pulled. Previous winners of the Review Raffle have enjoyed large TOTEM Flower Essence kits, free TOTEM Tarot Decks, and much, much more.
If you feel called to share your experience with TOTEM on Amazon, Google and/or Yelp, just shoot me a note and/or a screenshot so I know who belongs to what review and how to reach you about your prize: rachel@totemreadings.com
And, if nothing else, keep pulling those cards. Tag me on Instagram. Let’s share our stories and indulge in the Spiritual Scavenger Hunt with each other and with spirit!